觉醒

突然发觉这么多年就过去了
还来不及思考理想已变为幻想
不知不觉的身体没有了力量
却落到这现实将我切碎在路上

理想算个屁啊 爱情算什么东西
时代总是在变 有些不知所措
可我还是个人啊还是个人啊

我不想变成一种悲哀也不想变也一个饭桶

我想在世纪之前觉醒
为了心里的骄傲光明
我不想变一个时空 也不想变也一个废物
我想在世纪之前觉醒 

为了生命的尊严与梦想

理想总没有欲望那么的炫目
就像空虚别画着的雅里还要重
每当灵魂深处发出颤抖的微笑
多少次的背上 就把我埋入黄岗
 

是我算个屁啊 谁要算什么东西
真理总是在陪 早己注定迷茫

可我还是个人啊还是个人啊

我不想变成一种悲哀也不想变也一个饭桶

我想在世纪之前觉醒
为了心里的骄傲光明
我不想变一个时空 也不想变也一个废物
我想在世纪之前觉醒 

为了生命的尊严与梦想

我们在未知的荒园上坚难行走
流着坚强的泪水 放荡并且迷惘
我们在混乱的街道上释声歌唱
唱着那美丽而不如人意的生命

自由算个屁啊 永恒算什么东西
是非总是在别 我也不法分辨
可我不想这样啊我还有希望

我不想变成一种悲哀也不想变也一个饭桶

我想在世纪之前觉醒
为了心里的骄傲光明
我不想变一个时空 也不想变也一个废物

我想在世纪之前觉醒 

为了生命的尊严和希望 

－ 汪峰《觉醒》

所失去的幸福

又有谁知道 回忆的痛苦

当爱已走了 跟着去的不只是一个人而已 而是许多的友谊 许多的关怀 留下的则是四年的回忆

最近听汪峰的感触很多 每一首歌的旋律和歌词 好像事曾相似的感觉 眼泪不受控制地流下来 烫着了脸庞

大家都说让时间治疗伤口 但是 真的每道伤口都能痊愈吗？ 时间久了，对对方的感觉会淡掉  或许还会把对方的样子给忘了 但， 当我回忆起所有的事情的时候 感觉好像昨天一样 很真 好像时间一直没走 一直停留在那里

或许我个性有关 从我小的时候 有很多事情到现在我都还记得 而且也忘不了当时的感觉 不是可憎的事 而多数是失望失落那些事情

可能我是个很没有安全感的人 所以很害怕落空那种感觉 有时候会不由自主的回想起这四年来一些对我来说比较有纪念性或印象深刻的事情 那种感觉我无法倾诉 只有自己最清楚 因为自身体会过 

在这寂静又阴凉的夜晚 我戴上耳机听着汪峰的《北京北京》 一首我原本就喜欢的歌 今天听的时候那种撕心裂肺感觉特别强 很想大哭咆哮一场 把全部怨恨都发出来

不甘愿时间过的这么快 不甘愿人生为什么那么痛苦 不甘愿为什么我的幸福那么遥远 不甘愿为什么我要的理想那么难

我在这里欢笑 我在这里哭泣

我在这里活着 也在这死去

我在这里祈祷 我在这里迷惘

我在这里寻找 也在这死去

－ 汪峰《北京北京》

我到底该置身何处？到底我人生的目的是什么？ 人，活得那么辛苦是为了什么？

这四句含义太大太深了 为了梦想而造成的遍体鳞伤 心碎且无可奈何 最终决定待在原地 因为有太多的牵挂和眷恋的东西

分手 到底是为了自己的理想 还是因为心累了所有才有勇气说出来？ 其实，都不重要了 因为现在的我是一个人 我不满失去曾有的幸福 只为了塑造模糊的未来

事实就是 这就是我必须付出的代价
 

我特别想念想在中国待过的那些日子 他家在那里所以我去过了好多次大陆
很怀念在那个冬天里 我们走在大街上 天气很冷所以我们都穿上冬衣 他牵着我的手就这样一直走 那种感觉心里暖暖的 他走到哪我就跟到哪 那种信任和当时的安全感 好像我什么都不必担心 一切有他在

而现在 我必须梦醒了 心里一阵一阵的痛

至少有十年我不曾流泪

至少有十首歌给我安慰

但现在我会莫名的哭泣

当我想你的时候

－ 汪峰《当我想你的时候》

所失去的幸福再也找不回 就算回头那感觉已不对 所逝去的青春再也追不回 只有继续往前走

我只盼望有一天能回到那个地方那个季节 再一次回顾当时的幸福 就算感觉不一样 也只有那样我才能得到安慰

Drinking Issue

I always have problem in controlling my drinking ability and this problem became apparent and frequent in these few months. Ever since I break up in a 4 years relationship, I got drunk at almost every drinking occasion and black out so quickly. This is really terrible and it horrifies me when my friends/colleagues told me what I have done when I was drunk realising that I couldn't remember a single thing at all.

A random friend advised me that I shouldn't do this if I am bothered what others say about me because people will judge me. To be honest, it did horrified me and I did felt terrible when I knew that I black out (I didn't know it before anyone tells me). I always think that what others think of me are not important, they judge me because they don't know me. However, it did bothered me when someone who I care for, example: my friends, were one of those who judged me / say something unpleasant behind me. Then I figured out that this is not I want, I do not want to create further misunderstanding or conflict with the people around me. If I can't control / stop  what others say about me, then I should change my own behaviour.

At a point, I am thankful to have friends who took care of me when I was drunk and at the next event told me that they are all ready for me to get drunk and will take care of me. But I do not want to be a party crasher that someone has to take care of me and couldn't enjoy the party because I am drunk.

To my surprise, I actually do not know and cannot estimate my drinking limit. When I am happy or when I have a clear mind, I can be sober after many glasses. But, when I am depressed or have many emotional feelings came to me, I can be drunk even at three sips of hard liquor! And sometimes, I sent drunk texts or made drunk calls. These really freak me out!

I was letting loose of myself so much that I was not worried to get drunk. I just didn't care because I am in so much pain. I let them all out. I just want to know how REAL can I be.

“Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It’s damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he’s heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl.” - James Crumley

Guess this is my unbridled period. Until I am sick of all these drinking issues and dramas, I am going to quit the activity.

Reminiscing The Past

It wasn't true when I said that there aren't anything to remember during my uni time. I actually had the greatest moment, just that I don't see it until now.

When someone is in a difficult situation, he/she will think of the good past.

Likewise, I'm currently undergoing a tight situation with someone close, or at least I see that someone as one of my close friends. This reminds me of my past time and especially the time which I spent with someone who once loved me for 4 years and my uni friends.

I have (had) a few groups of friends in uni who I used to see quite often- firstly my colleague friends and coursemates, then came the New Tune Crew and dancers for Tanglung festival, and finally friends from China.

Perhaps I didn't understand the whole situation.. When I look back at my past self, I think I was a terrible person who was a coward and a little paranoid. When I thought I was doing something for other's sake, at the same time I wanted something good in return. And when i don't get what I was expecting for, I got upset and I reacted in a negative way thinking that I was the only victim who suffers from that situation without considering others' feelings.

For some reasons, I hurt a few of my friends' feelings. I admit that I was a greedy and selfish person who is also bad in handling issues and poor social skills that I don't even understand myself sometimes!

I thank god that my friends did not give up on me and they chose to hold on to our friendship. I would like to apologize to those whom I had hurt their feelings before and I thanks them for believing in me with my whole heart.

Due to some situations that I have encountered recently, I kept on thinking about the past, those bitter sweet memories and I feel sourness in my heart. I really am a lucky girl to have my girl friends to share things with now and to catch up with them occasionally. I wanted to tell those people whom I once hurt how sorry and regret I felt towards my attitude..

The only regret is that almost all of my friends from China have gone back to their country and some of them have settled down. We didn't have a proper goodbye. Or I should say that I never tell them how happy I was to have them as my wasted friends! Don't get me wrong, it's a commendatory. True that we always spent time partying and spent like nobody's else business; they smoke they get girls they spit they are loud and we all get wasted, but SO WHAT? They are really good to me and they RESPECT me as a friend.

I was quite an inferior individual back then and so I didn't really open up myself to them. If only I could open up myself more like now, I would talk none-stop to them and not let the time past without saying a word; I would share my joy and madness with them and vice versa; I would let them know how fun they are; I would cherish our friendship and thank them for treating me as a (long-time) member of their group. These are the words that I regret that I never tell them. And now we are separated across the ocean since a few years ago, it is unlikely that we all will see each other in a group again for everyone has moved on with their own lives. And I only even get to say goodbye to the one I loved through the phone only. The good side was that we leave good memory to each other at our last date.

It is so saddening and I feel real heartache when think of these.

I don't care what people think China people. To me, they are good people and loyal to friends, at least the people that I know of are nice! Unlike some people around me now.... A big disappointment!

Time is cruel. I shed for the pure happiness which has been long gone. What about now? You'll never know what you got til it's gone.

"想留不能留 才最寂寞
没说完温柔 只剩离歌
心碎前一秒 用力的相擁著沈默用心跳送你 辛酸離歌"

Each and every time when I watch China entertainment or listen to Chinese songs, I will think of the days I've spent with my Chinese friends. It is very strange because I always have this special feeling when listening to Chinese speaking. It is something which I am very familiar of, something which I miss but I have never and could never own it.

If only I could tell all of them I miss them so much.

Take It All (With My Love)

Adele has many great songs about love and relationships. This one below is a great piece. It is simply heartbreaking just by reading the lyrics.

Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had

Everything and no less

Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?
Maybe you got too used to not having me around

Still how can you walk away from all my tears?
It's gonna be an empty road without me right here

But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back at this crumbling fool

Just take it all with my love
Take it all with my love

Maybe I should leave to help you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need

So is it over?
Is this really it?

You're giving up so easily
I thought you loved me more than this

But go on, go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back at this crumbling fool

Just take it all with my love
Take it all with my love

I will change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home, I will adjust
Oh, if only, if only you knew
Everything I do is for you

Coming Through

Back to where I have started. I am again, on my own. This time, it's different as I am no longer a student in comparison with 4 years ago when I was still young and ignorant.

The people and the society surrounding me now are completely different. But I am not lost nor shocked as I have came prepared. To start a whole new life all over again. I take this as a second chance given and I shall not fail again.

Now, I am trying to achieve what I want in life and to become a person who I'd like to become, for my own 's sake. In the past, I was afraid to go after what I wanted for myself and often put other's priority before mine. Probably I was somehow, trained to be like that because I am the middle child in my family. When my elder sister always gets what she requests for and the best thing goes to my younger sister, and I will get the left over. End up I wasn't happy with what I got.

Nobody cares whether you are happy, all they care is they get what they want.'

Too many heartbreaks, too many broken dreams, too many rejections, too much anger and grieveness, too many disappointment....towards myself. Because I mind how people think about me or how they look at me, all I wanted to do is become a better person in the eyes of others.

I was totally wrong for thinking ans actung in that way. Not only that i didn't do better but I was lost. It took me so so so long to finally THINK and FIND my own ways to get out of there. It wasn't easy and in fact, I was risking my destiny.

And finally, I have came to the decision and I chose my future over everything else. I ended my 4 years relationship and decided to remain at the place where I am currently working at and to stay at the place where I am staying now. I am not going anywhere because I like being here. I feel happier here and have a sense of belonging. As simple as that.

To myself, I still possess the same personality but I have changed my attitude towards life and many other things for "your attitude can either make things or break things ". What is in the past is already a past. But, make sure you don't regret of your decision. For things that I have regreted of letting go, I am going make up to them because I shouldn't have removed from my life.

I admit that there are false decisions that I have made in the past and mistakes. But all these make up my life and make me grow wiser and stronger each day. I can't guarantee that I will always do the right thing from now onwards because I am not perfect, no one is and we are all human beings - who tend to make mistakes!

But no matter how, I will still be humble and keep learning. I am not afraid to be myself now and I am happier, in general. :)

Life still sucks sometimes, but hey, nothing is permanent so does trouble. :) So, just keep calm and say "I love my life!". :)

Perhaps…

I know I should be sleeping at this hour.. But I slept too much today, that’s why I am still wide awake although I really wanted to go to bed… and I am a little hungry right now..haha.

Something has been bothering me for a while, since the day I’ve start my working life. Perhaps some of you have heard about it, the same old topic.

I am not sure if this is the life I want right now.
I feel distanced, insecure and basically, I don’t know what to look out for in the future.
I am caught in the middle of career and love, which defines life in large.

I got emo at times, I feel like something is missing because the one who I see, who I used to share things and go out with everyday is not by my side right now, and he wouldn’t be around maybe for a long time.

The question is, can I take it?

A good friend of mine once told me that I couldn’t live without friends. Yes, I admit, I am not the type of person who can spend their time alone reading books at home or do housework or chill at the cafe to kill time, I even get bored with facebook. None of these are really my habit, I rather watch movies, reading is my last resort, that’s why I have so many books left unread. haha..

However, I also think that what my friend said was not totally correct. The fact is sometimes, even if I am with a group of people, or with my family, I am not there, literally. Although most of the time I was really enjoying the times with friends and family, but happiness is not enough to support me and is not strong enough to motivate me. It’s strange that whatever my family told me, I won’t listen, until I get injured.

Maybe because I had a deep scar. It happened during my childhood time and I still can feel it today, the feeling of wanting to see someone so badly but is stopped by so many reasons. Maybe I weight things and people too differently, although all of them are important to me.

"Everyone might know your name, but only some knows your story. Everyone might know what you did, but not many knew what you've been through". As I grow up, I realised that I don’t need all of the world, one or two good friends who are willing to listen is enough.

“When you are friend of everyone, you are friend of no one.” – I remembered this quote.

Yet, it is hard to search for friends like this when we grow older, most of them who we can talk to are those whom I knew during my school time and I really cherish each and every of them.

People have their own life, my parents have their own life, my sisters and friends have their own life too. What am I going to do with mine?

Will I be living just to earn lots of lots of money and have a stable lifestyle? Or I fight for life even though the path I choose would be harder than anyone else?

I am really not a waiting person. When things get dull, I search for fun. But I feel disturbingly restrictive due to the people I am staying with right now, so basically you can stop imaging how ‘fun’ I could be.

Perhaps I should be grateful for what I’ve already had. But at this moment, I really feel like breaking free and don’t care of all the bullshits and worries. At the same time, I am afraid to change and that I will lose everything in the end! I know I sound contradict but what can I do? Either way is a risk… I am sick of being so tight up of my choices!

Trust me, I really want this peaceful life when I got a job and our relationship is so stable. But as said, I am not that type of ‘waiting’ person. As much as I want to be with him, things aren’t the same when we are apart.  There are so many ‘afraid-s’ and I don’t know how long I can persist to.


"People who are insecure tend to build up walls to protect themselves from the hurt or to protect something from being taken away from them.”

I met a few good people in the past whom I end up hurting them by leaving them. I am afraid that all these will start all over again. Maybe I am a very insecure person and I need someone who is so strong and stable to support me. Otherwise I rather stand alone. Let alone gets hurt but not others.

Life shouldn’t be so complicated. Perhaps this is the answer to all the questions. - "Sometimes the best thing in life isn't what people expected. Sometimes the best thing in life is just simple things we had".

An Awesome Quote (hidden in my draft notes)

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

- Unknown

Xuanie's World Revives!

Today was a disastrous one. Something in my mind kept bothering me and I couldn’t focus on my work! Luckily I didn’t mess up anything because there wasn’t much work to do and I got back from work on time. :)
I had this impulsive to blog this afternoon when I couldn’t concentrate the work in my hand. I had the strong urge to write something down, just to make myself feel better. But I couldn’t do it in the office and one of my old post in this blog suddenly popped-out in my mind.
So I was trying to search for it until I knowingly clicked on some links of my old posts which I don’t remember what I wrote in it but the titles caught my eyes.
Surprisingly, I don’t really feel embarrassing or think that it’s childish while reading on the old posts. Instead, I found that they are quite useful.
Some of my old posts really did serve as guidelines and reminders to me. I mean, sometimes we met the same problems for more than a time. And for each time, you might still don’t know or have forgotten how to deal with it. So when I read the old posts, it was like an old version of me is talking to the current self. It’s just like I’m talking from the past to myself at the current state. It feels special.
Not only it guided me in someway but I’ve also found some answers to questions that I’ve raised in the past, questions that I didn’t know the answer when I wrote it.
Now I can tell that the equation of “Life=Enjoy” really works!
I enjoy what I’m doing right now. Although it is just my second week in the law firm, but I really like the job. It is a pleasure to be surrounded by knowledgeable and humble people who are willing to teach a fresh graduate like me. Most importantly, they treat each other nicely and respect each other. And I really like my master voice, listening to him speaking feels comfortable. (He better not see this, lol)
I once wondered and doubted that whether I am qualified to be a lawyer because I think that I’m not suitable. My four years studies in UKM are not all for nothing, I really learnt a lot in that few years which makes me who I am today.
I used to underestimate myself and lack of confidence. But today, I already slowly gained confidence and believe that perseverance will prevail. As long as I work hard and be humble when learning all the time, I can have good performance.
Perhaps I’ve changed and developed by the surroundings and things that I’ve been through, from an ignorant young lady to who I am now. But I can assure that most of my characteristics still remain, just the mindset is different, otherwise I wouldn’t be agreeing to the posts that I’ve written years ago.
My mom used to tell me not to publish anything personal online because worrying of people might misuse it. I do not regret since my first post because today I came to realise and enjoy the benefit of it. Anyways, advices from parents are basically useless when I’m not using it or realising that they were right only when I hit the wall. We just have to learn how to carry ourselves when we fall, this is when I remember the lessons. LOL.
Nevertheless, advices are still important. It is just like taking medication when you are ill, it makes your heart or mind feel better.
I’ve figured out that I really love and miss my this blog so much. That is why I still leave it, although it had been deserted. I felt sorry for it. And I still can remember the link, it is so easy to memorise, unlike the new one..haha.
I’ve decided not to close down this blog but continue writing until when an infinity period. Closing down this website is like shutting off part of me. This blog reminds me of who I used to be and tells me what I want to become. There’s no way I’m going to let it go.
So I now announce: I AM BACK! (applause please :D) It’s my pleasure to continue serving my blog. I’m lovin’ it again. :)

Hard Times in Life!

Lately, I had been through some hard times and I couldn't update my old blog in time. Sorry for the delay. What I wrote in these pages were my thoughts and feelings at that moment. Just need a space to express them as I always did when I was down.

Torn
When I fell deep for love

This post is dedicated for whom I used to spend time together with. We had been through the happiness, the excitements, the sadness and the most unforgettable moments together. We shared the same passion. For some reasons, I need to leave my dream and continue the journey without them. There's regret and helpless..But I still wish them all the best.

Just So You Know

Finally, thanks to my friends for the cares and concerns. I really appreciate them! I will be fine ... :)

Love Needs Courage

My Christmas In 2010 :)

Christmas in 2010, I had my friends and family with me. We had some awesome times together. :)

Awesome Christmas With Friends and Family :)

Check out my gifts on the Christmas. I've made a hand-made bear too.. haha!

Gifts for Christmas :)

It was a warmth Christmas and full of joy. ^^

Dined In Spaghetti & Grill

Dined In Spaghetti & Grill Please click on the link to read.

Two days before Christmas, I had a gathering with the AIESEC-ers and some interns. :)

I Love My Hometown

I Love My Homwtown Please click on the link to read.

The place where I grow up.

My Emotion Is Cold

心情很冷 Please click on the link to read.

I received a bad news about my friend's brother passed away today. It happened in such a sudden and beyond expectation. At the same time, the first snow fall in ChengDu today somehow resemblance my mood. It is cold and helpless. I hope that he will be strong and everything will be fine soon.

Please Appreciate Your Life!

Please Appreciate Your Life! Please click on the link to read.

If you treasure life, you'll make a change. If you don't, even if you have the whole world's love, you are hopeless at all.

My Splendid Year of 2010

My Splendid Year of 2010 Please click on the link to read.

This post is dedicated to all my beloved friends and family. Please don't feel lazy to open the link because I want to share the happiness with all of you. Because of you, I have an amazing 2010. Thanks to everyone who ever involve in my life. I hope you have a splendid year too. :) I love all of you.

How do a couple become lovers for life?

夫妻要怎样变成一辈子的情人 Please click on the link to read.

This is actually a post from a friend. He wrote this article after he attended a talk and I think it benefit us all so I should share it with all of you.


p/s: If you don't understand it, use google translate because I'm lazy to do the job. Hehe! :P

The Love of Siam

The Love of Siam / <暹罗之恋> Please click on the link to read.

The movie was produced in 2007 and it was a romantic-drama film. The story is about family drama and contains the element of gay romance between two teenage boys. Is is a good movie and quite touching.

Le Shan's FOOD!!!!

好吃在乐山 Please click on the link to read.

Le Shan is a small place with many good food hidden in town! You just have to explore it on your own... Omg I'm still missing them!

ChengDu Lifestyle

成都之旅 - 生活篇 Please click on the link to read.

ChengDu's lifestyle is more relaxing than other big cities like Beijing and Shanghai. The people there are very friendly and they speak Si Chuan Manderin most the time. Although they can understand common chinese, but some of them are not able to reply in chinese and therefore I need to understand what are they saying and it was some hard for me. It was not big problem though.

The average of ChengDu citizens have good incomes and the city has various type of entertainment. The people there love to play poker cards, mahjong and drink tea or beer when they are free. I know how to play those games as well. Hehe! Any games that you can think of, they have it and that is why the place is fun.

Overall, it is a city that makes people hard to leave. Many of the ChengDu people really have great passion to their city and that is what amazed me. To me, it makes me want to go to that place again. And I swear that I'll be back someday. :)