Disheartened

I feel reluctant to come back home during this Hari Raya break actually. But I'm here now, I'm home without any of my parents and not even my sisters are here. Although there are other family members at home, my cousins and aunties but somehow, I feel there's a bit missing of something.

Just a few minutes ago, when I wanted to check out my younger sis page, I just realised that I got deleted by her, and I think that was since August because I scolded her once in the car! I just can't stand her attitude, treating the elders like not one yet, my parents still keep pampering her. They always fulfill her needs and tried in many ways to make her happy. They are only afraid of one thing - my sis losing her temper. She can angry of someone for a month and see everyone in the house like her enemy. When this happened and I was at home that time, I will not bother her and just stood in a random position. But in August, I questioned her over something. I was losing my patience when my parents tried to talk good for her, I just wanted her to answer me by her own mouth not any other people else. I hate them to interrupt. I got so pissed off when my sis replied me in a rude manner and I just hit her on the face with the something in my hand. Yes, I'm too, an easy angered person, especially towards something which I don't like. I can't control it. It was such a sudden impulse!

After that, I felt very terrible. My heart felt like burning when losing my anger. I never like family issues, who would like it? Perhaps I was jealous because mommy and daddy never do anything for me, in that way! Yet, she didn't appreciate it. Maybe she did but I hate when she is being rude to them, especially in the public! I cried until my tears dry because what I did, my intention is to solve this issue, they just don't get it don't they? I want my sis to pay some respect to my parents and hope my parents don't pamper her too much before turning her into an overbearing princess. They don't understand! I felt hurt more than anger. I told myself, I will not do this stupid things again! Trying to change the situation? I was too naive! I can't change it by myself when people don't want to. Why am I bothering so much?

Am I so hateful?

I wish someone could answer me that. I just did the same thing last week. I spent my only free time to get a bus ticket for my elder sis to go back to Kedah. It was quite last minute and only 1 bus ticket was available and the bus was at night. I called her but she didn't reply. I thought that in case there's no other ticket, I must buy it before it's too late. I was hoping to receive a 'thank you' from her for buying her that ticket but the fact was contrary. Instead of thanking me, she refused to accept that ticket and blamed me for spoiling her plan because she wanted to go back earlier but I asked her to wait for me. I got a ticket from a friend but didn't know that she can't go back on Sunday, that was why I went to buy another ticket for her. There's only one ticket left and I had to take the Sunday 's one. It was uneasy to get a ticket at such a last minute and since I've decided to go home, I must go back during that period of time! I can't waste anymore time. I was freaked out when she hanged the phone just like that. Without any apology? Or I'm the one who should apologized? Is it my fault for trying so hard to do something for other people's sake and in the end just realised that they don't wish me to do it.

I am confused. What should I do and what should I not do? While on my way back to Uni in August, I sent my younger sis a message to say that I am sorry and I don't wish her to angry, but realised that it doesn't work. I am not in her friend list now; I sent a message to my elder sis asking why she treated me like that and I was pissed off, she didn't reply until today. I'd decided to give it up, I will not be angry of her because she is my sister. How am I going to do, angry her forever? I don't hate anyone. Anyway, anyhow, they are my family. Until when you lose it, you just realised that it is gone forever.

When there is a problem between you and your family which involves feelings, there must be a person who is willing to make the first step. I have make my step. What about the others? I have no idea what to do now besides feeling hurt. I am disheartened.

I will do anything to tolerate. Don't push me away. If my existence is a matter to you, I wish I was never here. I just want everybody to leave in peace.

Perhaps I shouldn't wish for anything. Dreams never come true. I'll just accept the fact that this problem will never be repaired. There will always be a wound inside me, a remarkable scar which reminds me not to redo the same thing again, as I do not know whether it is a mistake, I better avoid it.