The peak of third year's first semester.

This is just the second week that we came back from Raya break but we are actually in the peak of the semester now. Everyone is busy not only doing their assignments but also have to face some "surprise" tests and freaking many class replacements. This week we already have 3 night-classes for replacement. I can see different expressions on my course-mates faces, some looked so tension like a zombie and some looked depressed... But we still haven't lose our strength (although it's almost the sign of low-batt now), everyone is working hard together because each of us binds one another. If don't have team spirit then gone case ad.

The lectures really made us work our asses out with endless works! Another "good" news is that we don't have a proper and complete "study week" for this semester's finals and we have 7 core subjects to complete in 2 weeks' time! What the fish.... TSP is already considering to drink nescafe during finals because it is predicted that we'll have many sleepless nights. =.=" This is really the golden time to train us to deal with pressure in life in order to become stronger. We are actually in the semi-real world now, there's nothing easier than last 2 years. Don't play play ar....

I'm writing again on my blog meaning that I'm doing my studies now. (mid sem test tmr =.=) That's why I have the mood to write. This is really weird about me. Haha. Anyway, TSP's birthday will be on next Wednesday. At least we'll have a good and reasonable excuse for us to have a day to enjoy. :) I'm looking forward to that day. hehe....

GAMBATEH EVERYONE!!! :D

I need a way out.

Here I am, again, back in this room. The first thing I think of is to open my laptop and online because I feel like in this way I can be connected with something., not to be isolated. So the hard times continue after the Raya break.

Despite the pressure in my studies, I suffer in financial pressure too! It's really pathetic for the fact that I'm seriously broke after my Phuket trip but still I can't avoid spending for some 'unexpected' and 'unavoidable' events. This really depressed me. I really have to cut down a lot of my daily expenses. Don't ask me why I eat so little because I lost my appetite when I look at the food.

I'm trying to restrain myself from going too far in my relationship because I will lose my passion over something which previously I enjoyed doing them! It's really hard and I hesitate a lot when I'm going to make a decision recently. I'm a bit lost here. I don't know what are the things that 'should be done'. I'm confused about 'what I need' and 'what I want'. Although I am everywhere but I don't feel like I belong to anywhere! Is there an angel to rescue a lost soul over here?

To achieve success in life, it means that you have to act against your will wanting to live an easy and comfortable life. Because there is no easy way to achieve success, all you got to do is work hard and enjoy the hard works that you have done. And I doubt that it is what I really want. Nonetheless, having an easy life symbolizes that your life is over because you can't improve yourself without stress and a competitive environment.

So one question came to my mind: Am I aiming to become a successful lawyer? I have no definite answer for this question. I dreamed to be a lawyer because I want to earn a billion dollars and go to travel the world enjoying life! But I seemed lack of the characters to become a lawyer, this profession does not match with my nature characters. I feel like when the more I want to be a professional, the more I lost myself. Is it the life that I want? I hope the people who really understand me can give me some useful advice on this.

Disheartened

I feel reluctant to come back home during this Hari Raya break actually. But I'm here now, I'm home without any of my parents and not even my sisters are here. Although there are other family members at home, my cousins and aunties but somehow, I feel there's a bit missing of something.

Just a few minutes ago, when I wanted to check out my younger sis page, I just realised that I got deleted by her, and I think that was since August because I scolded her once in the car! I just can't stand her attitude, treating the elders like not one yet, my parents still keep pampering her. They always fulfill her needs and tried in many ways to make her happy. They are only afraid of one thing - my sis losing her temper. She can angry of someone for a month and see everyone in the house like her enemy. When this happened and I was at home that time, I will not bother her and just stood in a random position. But in August, I questioned her over something. I was losing my patience when my parents tried to talk good for her, I just wanted her to answer me by her own mouth not any other people else. I hate them to interrupt. I got so pissed off when my sis replied me in a rude manner and I just hit her on the face with the something in my hand. Yes, I'm too, an easy angered person, especially towards something which I don't like. I can't control it. It was such a sudden impulse!

After that, I felt very terrible. My heart felt like burning when losing my anger. I never like family issues, who would like it? Perhaps I was jealous because mommy and daddy never do anything for me, in that way! Yet, she didn't appreciate it. Maybe she did but I hate when she is being rude to them, especially in the public! I cried until my tears dry because what I did, my intention is to solve this issue, they just don't get it don't they? I want my sis to pay some respect to my parents and hope my parents don't pamper her too much before turning her into an overbearing princess. They don't understand! I felt hurt more than anger. I told myself, I will not do this stupid things again! Trying to change the situation? I was too naive! I can't change it by myself when people don't want to. Why am I bothering so much?

Am I so hateful?

I wish someone could answer me that. I just did the same thing last week. I spent my only free time to get a bus ticket for my elder sis to go back to Kedah. It was quite last minute and only 1 bus ticket was available and the bus was at night. I called her but she didn't reply. I thought that in case there's no other ticket, I must buy it before it's too late. I was hoping to receive a 'thank you' from her for buying her that ticket but the fact was contrary. Instead of thanking me, she refused to accept that ticket and blamed me for spoiling her plan because she wanted to go back earlier but I asked her to wait for me. I got a ticket from a friend but didn't know that she can't go back on Sunday, that was why I went to buy another ticket for her. There's only one ticket left and I had to take the Sunday 's one. It was uneasy to get a ticket at such a last minute and since I've decided to go home, I must go back during that period of time! I can't waste anymore time. I was freaked out when she hanged the phone just like that. Without any apology? Or I'm the one who should apologized? Is it my fault for trying so hard to do something for other people's sake and in the end just realised that they don't wish me to do it.

I am confused. What should I do and what should I not do? While on my way back to Uni in August, I sent my younger sis a message to say that I am sorry and I don't wish her to angry, but realised that it doesn't work. I am not in her friend list now; I sent a message to my elder sis asking why she treated me like that and I was pissed off, she didn't reply until today. I'd decided to give it up, I will not be angry of her because she is my sister. How am I going to do, angry her forever? I don't hate anyone. Anyway, anyhow, they are my family. Until when you lose it, you just realised that it is gone forever.

When there is a problem between you and your family which involves feelings, there must be a person who is willing to make the first step. I have make my step. What about the others? I have no idea what to do now besides feeling hurt. I am disheartened.

I will do anything to tolerate. Don't push me away. If my existence is a matter to you, I wish I was never here. I just want everybody to leave in peace.

Perhaps I shouldn't wish for anything. Dreams never come true. I'll just accept the fact that this problem will never be repaired. There will always be a wound inside me, a remarkable scar which reminds me not to redo the same thing again, as I do not know whether it is a mistake, I better avoid it.

Not Afraid - Eminem

The 'king of rap'!
His songs really inspire... Worth listening, especially this one!

Bye Bye Braces

I already took off my braces like 2 months ago but I only have time to post it now. haha. There are still A LOT of pendings......Well, not that I don't have time at all but I just don't feel like sitting and looking at my laptop when I'm free to run as I've spent most of my time sitting in the lecture hall and library for classes, discussions and assignments. Holiday was like in dreamland; classes were like going to work on Sunday - it feels terrible! It is indeed, a tragic, like rush hour; There's no time to rest although we're resting, physically. In our mind, assignments keep appearing. We can't throw it away because they are ASSignments! We are being observed through the assignments and presentations, these are our assessment. Third year is really a crucial year for all of us. We have to do a lot of readings and arrange our time very nicely. The subjects that we are having this year, are more machos, that's how I can describe them. They are not the "play play" types one. One word - SERIOUS. They are not fun at all......That's the worse part!

What am I crapping? I am suppose to upload my ugly ugly photo.. Here it is! The reason for the past 2 years why I stopped saying 'cheese' in front of the camera.....

Looking stupid and odd.... Btw, that's my new specs. haha!

This is how I look after taking off my braces, still the same old fat me...=.=
I'm not used to my teeth, really. They looked new, lol!
I'm getting used to it now, it has been 2 months right, hehe....

My eye bags are getting bigger and bigger now. Haiz. Why my make-up skill sucks? I failed to cover them. But I still think I look better with eye bags. At least I know I'm born for something now - born to have eye bags. LOL!!

Kiss goodbye to my braces. Now I only have to wear retainer, full time for 3 months and part time for 1 year. I'm not following though, my foretooth is out of shape a little again.. I deserved it because I didn't follow the doctor's advice. T__T

Time to sleep now. Goodnight! :)