Something has been bothering me for a while, since the day I’ve start my working life. Perhaps some of you have heard about it, the same old topic.
I am not sure if this is the life I want right now.
I feel distanced, insecure and basically, I don’t know what to look out for in the future.
I am caught in the middle of career and love, which defines life in large.
I got emo at times, I feel like something is missing because the one who I see, who I used to share things and go out with everyday is not by my side right now, and he wouldn’t be around maybe for a long time.
The question is, can I take it?
A good friend of mine once told me that I couldn’t live without friends. Yes, I admit, I am not the type of person who can spend their time alone reading books at home or do housework or chill at the cafe to kill time, I even get bored with facebook. None of these are really my habit, I rather watch movies, reading is my last resort, that’s why I have so many books left unread. haha..
However, I also think that what my friend said was not totally correct. The fact is sometimes, even if I am with a group of people, or with my family, I am not there, literally. Although most of the time I was really enjoying the times with friends and family, but happiness is not enough to support me and is not strong enough to motivate me. It’s strange that whatever my family told me, I won’t listen, until I get injured.
Maybe because I had a deep scar. It happened during my childhood time and I still can feel it today, the feeling of wanting to see someone so badly but is stopped by so many reasons. Maybe I weight things and people too differently, although all of them are important to me.
"Everyone might know your name, but only some knows your story. Everyone might know what you did, but not many knew what you've been through". As I grow up, I realised that I don’t need all of the world, one or two good friends who are willing to listen is enough.
“When you are friend of everyone, you are friend of no one.” – I remembered this quote.
Yet, it is hard to search for friends like this when we grow older, most of them who we can talk to are those whom I knew during my school time and I really cherish each and every of them.
People have their own life, my parents have their own life, my sisters and friends have their own life too. What am I going to do with mine?
Will I be living just to earn lots of lots of money and have a stable lifestyle? Or I fight for life even though the path I choose would be harder than anyone else?
I am really not a waiting person. When things get dull, I search for fun. But I feel disturbingly restrictive due to the people I am staying with right now, so basically you can stop imaging how ‘fun’ I could be.
Perhaps I should be grateful for what I’ve already had. But at this moment, I really feel like breaking free and don’t care of all the bullshits and worries. At the same time, I am afraid to change and that I will lose everything in the end! I know I sound contradict but what can I do? Either way is a risk… I am sick of being so tight up of my choices!
Trust me, I really want this peaceful life when I got a job and our relationship is so stable. But as said, I am not that type of ‘waiting’ person. As much as I want to be with him, things aren’t the same when we are apart. There are so many ‘afraid-s’ and I don’t know how long I can persist to.
"People who are insecure tend to build up walls to protect themselves from the hurt or to protect something from being taken away from them.”
I met a few good people in the past whom I end up hurting them by leaving them. I am afraid that all these will start all over again. Maybe I am a very insecure person and I need someone who is so strong and stable to support me. Otherwise I rather stand alone. Let alone gets hurt but not others.
Life shouldn’t be so complicated. Perhaps this is the answer to all the questions. - "Sometimes the best thing in life isn't what people expected. Sometimes the best thing in life is just simple things we had".
