Perhaps…

I know I should be sleeping at this hour.. But I slept too much today, that’s why I am still wide awake although I really wanted to go to bed… and I am a little hungry right now..haha.

Something has been bothering me for a while, since the day I’ve start my working life. Perhaps some of you have heard about it, the same old topic.

I am not sure if this is the life I want right now.
I feel distanced, insecure and basically, I don’t know what to look out for in the future.
I am caught in the middle of career and love, which defines life in large.

I got emo at times, I feel like something is missing because the one who I see, who I used to share things and go out with everyday is not by my side right now, and he wouldn’t be around maybe for a long time.

The question is, can I take it?

A good friend of mine once told me that I couldn’t live without friends. Yes, I admit, I am not the type of person who can spend their time alone reading books at home or do housework or chill at the cafe to kill time, I even get bored with facebook. None of these are really my habit, I rather watch movies, reading is my last resort, that’s why I have so many books left unread. haha..

However, I also think that what my friend said was not totally correct. The fact is sometimes, even if I am with a group of people, or with my family, I am not there, literally. Although most of the time I was really enjoying the times with friends and family, but happiness is not enough to support me and is not strong enough to motivate me. It’s strange that whatever my family told me, I won’t listen, until I get injured.

Maybe because I had a deep scar. It happened during my childhood time and I still can feel it today, the feeling of wanting to see someone so badly but is stopped by so many reasons. Maybe I weight things and people too differently, although all of them are important to me.

"Everyone might know your name, but only some knows your story. Everyone might know what you did, but not many knew what you've been through". As I grow up, I realised that I don’t need all of the world, one or two good friends who are willing to listen is enough.

“When you are friend of everyone, you are friend of no one.” – I remembered this quote.

Yet, it is hard to search for friends like this when we grow older, most of them who we can talk to are those whom I knew during my school time and I really cherish each and every of them.

People have their own life, my parents have their own life, my sisters and friends have their own life too. What am I going to do with mine?

Will I be living just to earn lots of lots of money and have a stable lifestyle? Or I fight for life even though the path I choose would be harder than anyone else?

I am really not a waiting person. When things get dull, I search for fun. But I feel disturbingly restrictive due to the people I am staying with right now, so basically you can stop imaging how ‘fun’ I could be.

Perhaps I should be grateful for what I’ve already had. But at this moment, I really feel like breaking free and don’t care of all the bullshits and worries. At the same time, I am afraid to change and that I will lose everything in the end! I know I sound contradict but what can I do? Either way is a risk… I am sick of being so tight up of my choices!

Trust me, I really want this peaceful life when I got a job and our relationship is so stable. But as said, I am not that type of ‘waiting’ person. As much as I want to be with him, things aren’t the same when we are apart.  There are so many ‘afraid-s’ and I don’t know how long I can persist to.


"People who are insecure tend to build up walls to protect themselves from the hurt or to protect something from being taken away from them.”

I met a few good people in the past whom I end up hurting them by leaving them. I am afraid that all these will start all over again. Maybe I am a very insecure person and I need someone who is so strong and stable to support me. Otherwise I rather stand alone. Let alone gets hurt but not others.

Life shouldn’t be so complicated. Perhaps this is the answer to all the questions. - "Sometimes the best thing in life isn't what people expected. Sometimes the best thing in life is just simple things we had".

An Awesome Quote (hidden in my draft notes)

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

- Unknown

Xuanie's World Revives!

Today was a disastrous one. Something in my mind kept bothering me and I couldn’t focus on my work! Luckily I didn’t mess up anything because there wasn’t much work to do and I got back from work on time. :)
I had this impulsive to blog this afternoon when I couldn’t concentrate the work in my hand. I had the strong urge to write something down, just to make myself feel better. But I couldn’t do it in the office and one of my old post in this blog suddenly popped-out in my mind.
So I was trying to search for it until I knowingly clicked on some links of my old posts which I don’t remember what I wrote in it but the titles caught my eyes.
Surprisingly, I don’t really feel embarrassing or think that it’s childish while reading on the old posts. Instead, I found that they are quite useful.
Some of my old posts really did serve as guidelines and reminders to me. I mean, sometimes we met the same problems for more than a time. And for each time, you might still don’t know or have forgotten how to deal with it. So when I read the old posts, it was like an old version of me is talking to the current self. It’s just like I’m talking from the past to myself at the current state. It feels special.
Not only it guided me in someway but I’ve also found some answers to questions that I’ve raised in the past, questions that I didn’t know the answer when I wrote it.
Now I can tell that the equation of “Life=Enjoy” really works!
I enjoy what I’m doing right now. Although it is just my second week in the law firm, but I really like the job. It is a pleasure to be surrounded by knowledgeable and humble people who are willing to teach a fresh graduate like me. Most importantly, they treat each other nicely and respect each other. And I really like my master voice, listening to him speaking feels comfortable. (He better not see this, lol)
I once wondered and doubted that whether I am qualified to be a lawyer because I think that I’m not suitable. My four years studies in UKM are not all for nothing, I really learnt a lot in that few years which makes me who I am today.
I used to underestimate myself and lack of confidence. But today, I already slowly gained confidence and believe that perseverance will prevail. As long as I work hard and be humble when learning all the time, I can have good performance.
Perhaps I’ve changed and developed by the surroundings and things that I’ve been through, from an ignorant young lady to who I am now. But I can assure that most of my characteristics still remain, just the mindset is different, otherwise I wouldn’t be agreeing to the posts that I’ve written years ago.
My mom used to tell me not to publish anything personal online because worrying of people might misuse it. I do not regret since my first post because today I came to realise and enjoy the benefit of it. Anyways, advices from parents are basically useless when I’m not using it or realising that they were right only when I hit the wall. We just have to learn how to carry ourselves when we fall, this is when I remember the lessons. LOL.
Nevertheless, advices are still important. It is just like taking medication when you are ill, it makes your heart or mind feel better.
I’ve figured out that I really love and miss my this blog so much. That is why I still leave it, although it had been deserted. I felt sorry for it. And I still can remember the link, it is so easy to memorise, unlike the new one..haha.
I’ve decided not to close down this blog but continue writing until when an infinity period. Closing down this website is like shutting off part of me. This blog reminds me of who I used to be and tells me what I want to become. There’s no way I’m going to let it go.
So I now announce: I AM BACK! (applause please :D) It’s my pleasure to continue serving my blog. I’m lovin’ it again. :)