Reminiscing The Past

It wasn't true when I said that there aren't anything to remember during my uni time. I actually had the greatest moment, just that I don't see it until now.

When someone is in a difficult situation, he/she will think of the good past.

Likewise, I'm currently undergoing a tight situation with someone close, or at least I see that someone as one of my close friends. This reminds me of my past time and especially the time which I spent with someone who once loved me for 4 years and my uni friends.

I have (had) a few groups of friends in uni who I used to see quite often- firstly my colleague friends and coursemates, then came the New Tune Crew and dancers for Tanglung festival, and finally friends from China.

Perhaps I didn't understand the whole situation.. When I look back at my past self, I think I was a terrible person who was a coward and a little paranoid. When I thought I was doing something for other's sake, at the same time I wanted something good in return. And when i don't get what I was expecting for, I got upset and I reacted in a negative way thinking that I was the only victim who suffers from that situation without considering others' feelings.

For some reasons, I hurt a few of my friends' feelings. I admit that I was a greedy and selfish person who is also bad in handling issues and poor social skills that I don't even understand myself sometimes!

I thank god that my friends did not give up on me and they chose to hold on to our friendship. I would like to apologize to those whom I had hurt their feelings before and I thanks them for believing in me with my whole heart.

Due to some situations that I have encountered recently, I kept on thinking about the past, those bitter sweet memories and I feel sourness in my heart. I really am a lucky girl to have my girl friends to share things with now and to catch up with them occasionally. I wanted to tell those people whom I once hurt how sorry and regret I felt towards my attitude..

The only regret is that almost all of my friends from China have gone back to their country and some of them have settled down. We didn't have a proper goodbye. Or I should say that I never tell them how happy I was to have them as my wasted friends! Don't get me wrong, it's a commendatory. True that we always spent time partying and spent like nobody's else business; they smoke they get girls they spit they are loud and we all get wasted, but SO WHAT? They are really good to me and they RESPECT me as a friend.

I was quite an inferior individual back then and so I didn't really open up myself to them. If only I could open up myself more like now, I would talk none-stop to them and not let the time past without saying a word; I would share my joy and madness with them and vice versa; I would let them know how fun they are; I would cherish our friendship and thank them for treating me as a (long-time) member of their group. These are the words that I regret that I never tell them. And now we are separated across the ocean since a few years ago, it is unlikely that we all will see each other in a group again for everyone has moved on with their own lives. And I only even get to say goodbye to the one I loved through the phone only. The good side was that we leave good memory to each other at our last date.

It is so saddening and I feel real heartache when think of these.

I don't care what people think China people. To me, they are good people and loyal to friends, at least the people that I know of are nice! Unlike some people around me now.... A big disappointment!

Time is cruel. I shed for the pure happiness which has been long gone. What about now? You'll never know what you got til it's gone.

"想留不能留 才最寂寞
没说完温柔 只剩离歌
心碎前一秒 用力的相擁著沈默用心跳送你 辛酸離歌"

Each and every time when I watch China entertainment or listen to Chinese songs, I will think of the days I've spent with my Chinese friends. It is very strange because I always have this special feeling when listening to Chinese speaking. It is something which I am very familiar of, something which I miss but I have never and could never own it.

If only I could tell all of them I miss them so much.