Drinking Issue

I always have problem in controlling my drinking ability and this problem became apparent and frequent in these few months. Ever since I break up in a 4 years relationship, I got drunk at almost every drinking occasion and black out so quickly. This is really terrible and it horrifies me when my friends/colleagues told me what I have done when I was drunk realising that I couldn't remember a single thing at all.

A random friend advised me that I shouldn't do this if I am bothered what others say about me because people will judge me. To be honest, it did horrified me and I did felt terrible when I knew that I black out (I didn't know it before anyone tells me). I always think that what others think of me are not important, they judge me because they don't know me. However, it did bothered me when someone who I care for, example: my friends, were one of those who judged me / say something unpleasant behind me. Then I figured out that this is not I want, I do not want to create further misunderstanding or conflict with the people around me. If I can't control / stop  what others say about me, then I should change my own behaviour.

At a point, I am thankful to have friends who took care of me when I was drunk and at the next event told me that they are all ready for me to get drunk and will take care of me. But I do not want to be a party crasher that someone has to take care of me and couldn't enjoy the party because I am drunk.

To my surprise, I actually do not know and cannot estimate my drinking limit. When I am happy or when I have a clear mind, I can be sober after many glasses. But, when I am depressed or have many emotional feelings came to me, I can be drunk even at three sips of hard liquor! And sometimes, I sent drunk texts or made drunk calls. These really freak me out!

I was letting loose of myself so much that I was not worried to get drunk. I just didn't care because I am in so much pain. I let them all out. I just want to know how REAL can I be.

“Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It’s damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he’s heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl.” - James Crumley

Guess this is my unbridled period. Until I am sick of all these drinking issues and dramas, I am going to quit the activity.